Saidia – Today I debut my first article about something I’ve been suffering from for the past 2 months… Intrusive Thoughts and a low-level Anxiety Disorder.
Since June 23rd ‘I’ve been plagued with continuous and disturbing thoughts, really disturbing and sickening thoughts, thoughts I can’t tell you at this moment but I urge you to keep your imaginations as wide as the moon. It all started when I was told that I speak during my sleep and just like everyone else, at first I ignored it, but one night, in late June, the subject found its way back to the peak of my mind from the depths of the darkness laying deep down in my mind. I started telling myself while watching yet another disturbing TV series that I might say something similar to all the bad things said in the series by its characters, or do something they’re doing, and then my mind just went into a storm of questions….endless questions about all sorts of wrong things I can say or do, I asked all the questions, all the wrong questions and all the bad thoughts came into the front and center of my head.
At the end, I found myself with one question: How could I, an open-minded, Muslim, loving, straightforward, HUMAN think of such things? how could I? and then questions took another turn … Am I going to do some of these imaginations? Am I going to act upon these delusions? Am I sick? Whats wrong with me? When I went to sleep, the fear of saying something while sleeping kept me awake, I just couldn’t close my eyes, I was too afraid to dwindle and give in to my tiredness and sleepy eyes. The anxiety ate me like a tiger viciously and vulgarly eating his pray, the pray dies fast but the tiger eats slowly and enjoys his pray’s meet. The same thing was happening to me, anxiety came to me fast and started eating me slowly, seeping through my soul and my heart, taring down everything beautiful about my imagination. Soon, I was alone with my dark side, my raw evil dark side and it got to the point where I though I wasn’t my self anymore or I was talking to someone else inside of me. Afraid of losing my mind, I got out of bed and went to the balcony. The early morning breeze mixed with my wanted desire of sleeping mixed together creating a highway for me leading to a forced, yet needed sleep. And so, I had no choice but to give in, I had no choice but to sleep and so I did and what happened next was shocking even to the devil himself.
This is the first time I open up about my Intrusive Thought Disorder, and after going through it for 2 months, after long nights of anxiety and hour-long searches on the internet to explore it…I decided it was time to tell my story with Intrusive Thought Disorder, but more importantly how to Fight off this vicious cycle of events.